Getting out from Unhealthy Childhood Patterns

Life is all about choices. We make choices all of the time, though most choices are

just reactions. We need to slow down, and do, take the time to figure out the way we want to respond, and what feels true to us, all while having self-love and

compassion.

Choose to live your life, and let go of the resentment that you feel. How do you want to

live, and how you want to be, is how you have to act— you just need to be your true

self.

As a child, we are completely dependent on our parents or caregivers for survival.

We generally absorb their ways of feeling, thinking, and behaving and make them our

own. We need to understand that besides being our parents, they are also normal

human beings, and no matter how much our parents may love us, they are by no

means perfect, they have their own conditioned ways of being that they learned in

their childhood. We absorbed everything, positive as well as not so positive, like a

sponge from them which created certain ways, judgments, resulting remains of thinking, feeling, and behaving in us

which are known as patterns. Unhealthy patterns, like certain belief systems,

perceptions, judgments, needs, and desires, result in unwanted consequences.

We mostly find later in life that these rules and ways of being, which we soaked up

like a sponge in childhood, end up working against us as adults.

Few examples:

- Acting nice instead of honestly facing a conflict.

- Being compulsively organized so that no spontaneity has remained.

- Putting so much focus on logic that emotional connection is lost or vice versa.

- Being so perfectionist that nothing is good enough.

- Searching for problems in all areas/ relationships hence not able to commit.

- Becoming highly critical and controlling that joy and peace are behaviors lost.

Someone who can’t commit, perhaps, had a parent who abandoned the family. If

they become needy in relationships, they may have seen that same dynamic

between their parents, etc.

During the therapy process, we recognize and look at the behaviors and ways of

being that cause suffering. For example, if being needy is a problem, the therapy

helps you to become curious about that.

- From whom did I learn to be this way?

- Who was like that in my childhood?

- What did I observe between my parents?

- Were my needs so overlooked as a child, that I’m going through life, looking

for love but continually only finding people who abandon me—just like my

parents did? Do I abandon myself and/or others?

We observe the patterns that cause suffering and negative consequences to self as

well as others, and that have been there throughout our lives. The goal is not to get

rid of all our patterns, but to diminish their power over us and to increase our choice

and will to act. Being nice and organized is great, but not if those are our only

options, and not if we are doing them compulsively and at the expense of our

relationships and wellbeing.

To be whole, we need to experience a connection to all aspects of ourselves, i.e.

emotions, intellect, mind, body, as well as spiritual aspects.

These are helpful practices to move away from the patterns of harmful thinking and

behavior:

- Awareness,

- Affirmation,

- Mindfulness,

- Gratitude,

- Meditation.

Learn to identify and separate yourself from the acquired patterns that are not

serving you by asking some of these difficult questions:

- What is blocking me from being the person I want to be?

- How do I want my life to look like?

- How will I feel and be in that life?

- In what areas of my life am I suffering?

- How do I feel about myself, in my relationships, or my career?

- What feelings do I have around it? Is it sadness, worry, guilt, or anger?

- As a child, where in my family did I observe this coming?

- At present, what are the consequences in my life if I continue to be this way?

- Why do I want to change?

Follow this four-step approach with each pattern:

- Awareness,

- Expression,

- Forgiveness,

- New behavior

The shift from being run by fears and patterns to being more present and able to make

a positive contribution to your life and the people around you. You will have a newfound

sense of wholeness.